If you want to date a henchman, start with a classic American Italian dinner, then move directly to the Mai Kai Trial of Fire.
Leon and John are The Henchmen. Leon is “Right” Henchman and John is “Left” Henchman, to be exact. If you don’t believe me, you’re clearly behind on the Tails of the Merman serials. You might want to catch up.
They haven’t always been an infamous couple. Several years back, both men were single. Leon checked his Facebook account one day, saw this handsome friend of a friend suggestion called John, and chatted him up. John had that handsome henchman joie de vivre, and Leon was hoping to ask him out on a date. After a sufficient attempt at chat, Leon mustered up the courage to ask him out.
John said no.
A henchman is not easily dissuaded. Leon chatted up John again. I imagine there were even longer talks about poison tiki umbrella darts, how to slowly smooth oil on your gun, etc. You know, it’s the usual henchman chit-chat. Eventually, Leon took his best shot again, and asked John out.
John said no.
John had reached that “henchman-who-is-tired-of-all-the-nefarious-toxic-relationship-disppointment-crap” stage that many people reach at some point in their lives. He just wasn’t having it. There were other evils in life, right? But Leon was not giving up.
The winning ticket was a classic Italian dinner for two. Leon had heard that the way to a henchman’s heart is through his stomach, so when Leon made his third ask and tempted him with pasta, classic red sauce, and garlic butter, John said yes. First date was down.
It wasn’t over, though. The Mai Kai Trial of Fire was next. You’ve heard of it, I assume? A tiki lover asks a neophyte to go to the Mai Kai for dinner as a final date test. The tiki lover watches his date’s eyes for any sign of disinterest. He closely monitors the reaction to each tiki drink. He listens for any disingenuous comment on the food or the fire dancers. He scans for signs of impatience as the tiki lover lingers in the giftshop. Any misstep and the date will fail the Mai Kai Trial of Fire and be banished to eternal singledom.
Thankfully, Leon passed the test with flying colors. The rest is henchmen history.
How do I know this is true? The henchmen cornered me in their lair, less than a mile from the scene of their final exam at the Mai Kai. Decked out in custom-made silk jackets from long away shores and surrounded with exotic treasures in their secret hideaway, they began their story by tempting me with a taste of rum from a vintage bottle of Lemon Hart. Why should I resist? As they finished the tale of the Mai Kai Trial by Fire, the henchmen told me they had to kill me. I knew too much.
It was then that I remembered what henchmen are known for – poison rum punch. I was getting very sleepy. As I faded into nonexistence, all I could hear was the heinous sound of laughter – and henchman love.
Bwa ha ha ha ha … awwww.